Tech Support
I often call Tech Support, aka Guy #2, who lives in Texas, whenever I have computer troubles. (I tend to fix my expensive hardware with an assortment of techniques such as The Whack, The Wire Jiggle, The Three Fingered Salute, and occasionally The Stream of Profanity. These things almost always work. I recently expanded my repetoire to include Updating Four Year Old Video Drivers and Typing Error Messages Into Google.) Doing phone support for your semi-literate friend is no picnic, I admit. The conversation includes a lot of riffing through submenus and desperate attempts at remembering old passwords.
The only thing worse than old passwords are old people. Specifically, old people to whom you are related, people you love and do not wish to upset. You cannot get frustrated, because you will fluster them and you'll have to start over. You cannot use new-fangled terms such as "USB," lest you cause their brains to reset. You find yourself saying "thingy" a lot.
This is an actual conversation I had today, with beloved old people located two time zones away:
Old person (using speaker phone): My book isn't working. You said if I went to My Computer I could click on the blue book, only, I don't see it.
Me: Wha?
OP: My picture box. I got the one you said last year, only it's been in a moving box.
Me: OH, the external hard drive. Why do you call it a book?
OP: That's what it said on the box.
Me: Okay. Well, what is it called?
OP: It's Western Digital. You told me!
Me: No problem. Okay. Click on "My Computer" and tell me what you see.
OP: (reads aloud the list of icons, none of which are a blue WD icon)
Me: Okay, look at the book. Is there a light on?
OP: Yes.
Me: Okay, good! That means you've got it plugged in right!
OP: Yay!
Me: There should be two cables coming out of it.
OP: Okay.
Me: Now, is the USB cable seated snugly on the back? And is it plugged into the computer tightly?
OP: I don't know.
Me: Take a look.
(Long pause while old person who cannot get onto her knees summons her slightly more flexible mate. Mate crawls behind desk and announces that the cable is plugged in.)
OP: It's plugged in.
Me: Okaaaaay. This is going to sound silly, but try unplugging the USB cable and plugging it into a different USB port.
OP: What's a USB cable?
Me (successfully does not wail in frustration): Look at the end of the cable; the bit that goes into your computer is kind of flat. All one piece, not pronged like a power plug.
(Long pause while able bodied mate crawls back under the desk. He announces that the cable has two prongs in the end.)
OP: It's got two prongs.
Me (still not yelling, but closing eyes. My own mate is laughing hysterically. HIS old person refuses to use computers): Mom, I want you to pick up the book. How many wires are coming out of the back?
(Long pause.)
OP: One!
Me: You need to find your USB cable. Your book needs two wires, one for power and one for information. You don't have the one for information hooked up.
OP: What's it look like?
Me (wondering how the hell I describe a USB cable without using the words "USB" or "cable"): Look on the back of the book and tell me exactly what you see. Describe the two holes.
OP: One is sort of square. The other one has something round plugged into it.
Me: You're looking for a plastic coated wire that has a square end, only, it's an outie, not an innie.
(OP hangs up, because the search is going to take awhile.)
(Phone rings.)
OP (still on speaker): We found it!
Me: That's awesome, Mom. You put the square end in the square hole, and if you look on the back of the computer, you'll find a flat hole that matches the other end.
(Long pause while this wisdom is repeated to the person on the floor, who can hear me. However, he has been married to the OP for thirty five years and no longer seems to notice anything bizarre. He follows the instructions.)
OP: It worked! The blue book popped up on My Computer!
(General rejoicing.)
OP: Our wireless network doesn't work any more.
Me: I know a guy in Texas...
The only thing worse than old passwords are old people. Specifically, old people to whom you are related, people you love and do not wish to upset. You cannot get frustrated, because you will fluster them and you'll have to start over. You cannot use new-fangled terms such as "USB," lest you cause their brains to reset. You find yourself saying "thingy" a lot.
This is an actual conversation I had today, with beloved old people located two time zones away:
Old person (using speaker phone): My book isn't working. You said if I went to My Computer I could click on the blue book, only, I don't see it.
Me: Wha?
OP: My picture box. I got the one you said last year, only it's been in a moving box.
Me: OH, the external hard drive. Why do you call it a book?
OP: That's what it said on the box.
Me: Okay. Well, what is it called?
OP: It's Western Digital. You told me!
Me: No problem. Okay. Click on "My Computer" and tell me what you see.
OP: (reads aloud the list of icons, none of which are a blue WD icon)
Me: Okay, look at the book. Is there a light on?
OP: Yes.
Me: Okay, good! That means you've got it plugged in right!
OP: Yay!
Me: There should be two cables coming out of it.
OP: Okay.
Me: Now, is the USB cable seated snugly on the back? And is it plugged into the computer tightly?
OP: I don't know.
Me: Take a look.
(Long pause while old person who cannot get onto her knees summons her slightly more flexible mate. Mate crawls behind desk and announces that the cable is plugged in.)
OP: It's plugged in.
Me: Okaaaaay. This is going to sound silly, but try unplugging the USB cable and plugging it into a different USB port.
OP: What's a USB cable?
Me (successfully does not wail in frustration): Look at the end of the cable; the bit that goes into your computer is kind of flat. All one piece, not pronged like a power plug.
(Long pause while able bodied mate crawls back under the desk. He announces that the cable has two prongs in the end.)
OP: It's got two prongs.
Me (still not yelling, but closing eyes. My own mate is laughing hysterically. HIS old person refuses to use computers): Mom, I want you to pick up the book. How many wires are coming out of the back?
(Long pause.)
OP: One!
Me: You need to find your USB cable. Your book needs two wires, one for power and one for information. You don't have the one for information hooked up.
OP: What's it look like?
Me (wondering how the hell I describe a USB cable without using the words "USB" or "cable"): Look on the back of the book and tell me exactly what you see. Describe the two holes.
OP: One is sort of square. The other one has something round plugged into it.
Me: You're looking for a plastic coated wire that has a square end, only, it's an outie, not an innie.
(OP hangs up, because the search is going to take awhile.)
(Phone rings.)
OP (still on speaker): We found it!
Me: That's awesome, Mom. You put the square end in the square hole, and if you look on the back of the computer, you'll find a flat hole that matches the other end.
(Long pause while this wisdom is repeated to the person on the floor, who can hear me. However, he has been married to the OP for thirty five years and no longer seems to notice anything bizarre. He follows the instructions.)
OP: It worked! The blue book popped up on My Computer!
(General rejoicing.)
OP: Our wireless network doesn't work any more.
Me: I know a guy in Texas...
posted by Sanya at 7:06 PM
1 comments
