Things We Said At the Hospital After He Was Rushed to the ER

Upon seeing a needle coming towards him: "Is that a new needle? Because I don't share needles." (Note: This was apparently like making a bomb joke in an airport, because he suddenly had a lot more attention than he needed.)

After hearing my mate's cholesterol count, said with a straight face: "Does this mean our diet consisting entirely of Indian frozen entrees and Hot Pockets has to change?"

Largest faux pas made in the ER, in response to being asked how old my mate was: "Well, in dog years, he's dead."

While riding the gurney from triage to the treatment room: "This thing should be lowered." (No mention of what kind of rims he'd like to see.)

Biggest lie of the night, in response to being asked how many caffeinated beverages he consumed in a typical day: "Six." (Technically, not a lie. The nurse interrupted him before he could explain he drank that many CANS of diet soda a day, but that it was difficult to measure three restaurant refills in "standard" glasses at lunch and two refills in "supersize" glasses at dinner.)

Morning after description of the shaved bits of chest, where the monitors were: "I look like a cheetah in reverse."