Captain Obvious Explains the Internet, Part 1

A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Rude Words

There are millions of ways to humiliate oneself. At least nine hundred thousand of those ways involve the internet and digital photos.

Captain Obvious was once quietly surfing the internet, aimlessly clicking links provided by so-called "friends," when the photograph of a barely clad woman appeared on the screen. This woman was of a type known on the internet as a "BBW." This acronym stands for "big beautiful woman," otherwise known as "plus sized woman," or "queen sized," or "ample," or "Rubenesque."

Or in the case of this lassie, "yikes."

She was dyed. She was pierced. She was tattooed with various tribal insignia in extremely private places.

She was a former coworker of Captain Obvious. (Way former, of no recent vintage. This was a hell of a way to get an update.)

This photograph was in no way protected. The Captain did not need a subscription to view this digital shot. No password was required, nor registration requested. This demure image was on the front page of her blog. Now, identifying features had been carefully cleaned from the blog itself. No names, no cities, and her posts were about looking for love. Potential suitors were identified only by initials. So, it seems a little odd that all two hundred and seventeen pounds of sexual chocolate was on display without any effort made to hide her face. Or her vagina.

Today's obvious tip:

If you're not completely comfortable with your mother, your boss, the quickie mart clerk, and Mail Room Bob seeing that your "special place" has been adorned with metal rings and barbells, do not post the photograph on your website.

Bonus tip:

If you ignored Captain Obvious and posted it anyway, you now know precisely why your boss is refusing to make eye contact with you.