What If
I am not allowed to watch Law and Order: SVU right before bedtime, and have not been permitted to do so ever since I woke up Guy #1 to ask if he would stick by me were I to contract AIDS from a brutal gang rape.
He does not play the What If Game very well at all.
My iTunes shrimp net came up with Dusty Springfield (You Don't Have To Say You Love Me), that insanely popular radio single from Fastball a million years ago (The Way), the fabulous rainy day voice of Billie Holiday (As Time Goes By), a single purchased solely because the band had the name The String Cheese Incident (Take Five), and Darlene Love's Christmas, Baby Please Come Home - because I once performed the role of a doowop girl doing background on this song for a musical my freshman year of college. At the time I wore a Santa hat with a blinking white light in lieu of a puffball. I cannot actually sing. This was less of a problem than you would think.
My inability to sing led directly to me lip-syncing the Dusty number, and turning to my husband with the comment, "I could totally do a drag act."
His raised eyebrow said it all, but he managed to say, "They don't let you do that without a penis."
"If I took testosterone, though, and got deep voiced and hairy, maybe they'd think I was just really good at tucking."
"Snort."
"Well, what if something happened naturally, and my hormones got all wacky, and I ended up hairy and deep voiced anyway?"
"Then you would be raping people in prison because this totally just became an episode of SVU, which you are not allowed to watch before bedtime."
He does not play the What If Game very well at all.
My iTunes shrimp net came up with Dusty Springfield (You Don't Have To Say You Love Me), that insanely popular radio single from Fastball a million years ago (The Way), the fabulous rainy day voice of Billie Holiday (As Time Goes By), a single purchased solely because the band had the name The String Cheese Incident (Take Five), and Darlene Love's Christmas, Baby Please Come Home - because I once performed the role of a doowop girl doing background on this song for a musical my freshman year of college. At the time I wore a Santa hat with a blinking white light in lieu of a puffball. I cannot actually sing. This was less of a problem than you would think.
My inability to sing led directly to me lip-syncing the Dusty number, and turning to my husband with the comment, "I could totally do a drag act."
His raised eyebrow said it all, but he managed to say, "They don't let you do that without a penis."
"If I took testosterone, though, and got deep voiced and hairy, maybe they'd think I was just really good at tucking."
"Snort."
"Well, what if something happened naturally, and my hormones got all wacky, and I ended up hairy and deep voiced anyway?"
"Then you would be raping people in prison because this totally just became an episode of SVU, which you are not allowed to watch before bedtime."
posted by Sanya at 12:14 AM
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