We Fear Change
That started as an observation that everyone thought was a joke, on the ur-blog. Back before all you crazy kids even called it blogging. Back then it was ranting. Back before ranting was something every loser with net access and three cusswords could do. Oh, that was a long time ago.
But this is not nostaglia. I wear no rose colored glasses for that time. That was back before I knew that the net's false faces are worse than the real ones, before I understood what false intimacy was, before it all began for me online. I was a disaster waiting to happen and almost did. And that's aside from the squalor and the misery I enjoyed offline!
So I don't wish for a return to the way things used to be, back when I believed that happy endings were inevitable. They are no such thing. You earn your happy ending, and when you have one, you guard it fierce and close like a sparrow with a nest on a mailbox.
I don't wish for a return to the days between now and then. There was a lot of happiness in between, but there were signs even then. I would not go back in time to see those signs, and, in pointing out the potential disasters, cut short the laughing.
I don't even wish for the things happening now to happen any other way. All the miserable things of the past led to this now - my home, my husband, my life. Who knows what awful present tense is paving the way for some future joy?
But I fear change. I hate it while it's happening to me. It disrupts all the security on which I need to build my best days. And this year has had too fucking much. Wake me up when it's over, and call me when the band is back together.
But this is not nostaglia. I wear no rose colored glasses for that time. That was back before I knew that the net's false faces are worse than the real ones, before I understood what false intimacy was, before it all began for me online. I was a disaster waiting to happen and almost did. And that's aside from the squalor and the misery I enjoyed offline!
So I don't wish for a return to the way things used to be, back when I believed that happy endings were inevitable. They are no such thing. You earn your happy ending, and when you have one, you guard it fierce and close like a sparrow with a nest on a mailbox.
I don't wish for a return to the days between now and then. There was a lot of happiness in between, but there were signs even then. I would not go back in time to see those signs, and, in pointing out the potential disasters, cut short the laughing.
I don't even wish for the things happening now to happen any other way. All the miserable things of the past led to this now - my home, my husband, my life. Who knows what awful present tense is paving the way for some future joy?
But I fear change. I hate it while it's happening to me. It disrupts all the security on which I need to build my best days. And this year has had too fucking much. Wake me up when it's over, and call me when the band is back together.
posted by Sanya at 10:50 PM
3 Comments:
Your worst case scenario is better than your best case scenario was when you passed your hours removing thick staples from useless military documents.
These words of wisdom have been brought to you by the letter Q.
By the way, MSNBC is showing the Parade of Sex Predators (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10912603/) on TV as I type this. I don't think it's really connected to anything else, just keeping you updated.
So I don't wish for a return to the way things used to be, back when I believed that happy endings were inevitable. They are no such thing. You earn your happy ending, and when you have one, you guard it fierce and close like a sparrow with a nest on a mailbox.
That really resonated with me, thx. But it makes me wonder what else has been happening with you lately. (Ya nevah cawl, ya nevah write, etc.) Call me Sunday evening, pls. Will prolly have 2 bits of news to give you of the "I'm only going to tell you this live dammit" variety.
HA ahhh ha ha ha.
Look, my inner 12-year old is bonding with yours again...
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