We Fear Change

That started as an observation that everyone thought was a joke, on the ur-blog. Back before all you crazy kids even called it blogging. Back then it was ranting. Back before ranting was something every loser with net access and three cusswords could do. Oh, that was a long time ago.

But this is not nostaglia. I wear no rose colored glasses for that time. That was back before I knew that the net's false faces are worse than the real ones, before I understood what false intimacy was, before it all began for me online. I was a disaster waiting to happen and almost did. And that's aside from the squalor and the misery I enjoyed offline!

So I don't wish for a return to the way things used to be, back when I believed that happy endings were inevitable. They are no such thing. You earn your happy ending, and when you have one, you guard it fierce and close like a sparrow with a nest on a mailbox.

I don't wish for a return to the days between now and then. There was a lot of happiness in between, but there were signs even then. I would not go back in time to see those signs, and, in pointing out the potential disasters, cut short the laughing.

I don't even wish for the things happening now to happen any other way. All the miserable things of the past led to this now - my home, my husband, my life. Who knows what awful present tense is paving the way for some future joy?

But I fear change. I hate it while it's happening to me. It disrupts all the security on which I need to build my best days. And this year has had too fucking much. Wake me up when it's over, and call me when the band is back together.