A Brief Guide To Popes Named Benedict
B1: Four years of poping around (575-579 AD). No one knows much about him, because that was WAY before the Internet.
B2: Two years of popehood (683-685 AD). His official title these days is "Patron Saint of Europe." A whole subcontinent! Very nice, Benedict II!
B3: Three years of being the Rock (855-858 AD). Credited with reducing the secular power over the papacy.
B4: Three years of popery (900-903 AD). After ten minutes of half-heartedly poking around the Internet, I can safely say he didn't actually do much.
B5: Less than a month of wearing the big hat (964-964 AD). Emperor Otto deposed Benedict V after less than a MONTH. How sad.
B6: Two years of Vicar of Christing (972-974 AD). Emperor Otto handpicked Benedict VI and set him up as Pope. This time, the local Romans did the deposing and killed him, to boot.
B7: Nine years as Pope (974-983 AD) - a new record! Everyone seemed to like him, and left him alone to be Pope. He returned the favor by not doing anything dramatic with other countries, other kings, or other people's wives.
B8: A whopping twelve years fishing of men (1012-1024 AD). He had some trouble getting settled at first, got run out of town a few times, but eventually settled in with a little help from a king.
B9: Twelve years, a snack break, and another year (1032-1044 AD, 1045-1046 AD). Benedict the Ninth had some major issues. A young pope (nephew to BVIII), his daddy bought him the papacy. He was apparently not a really religious type, which would be okay in pretty much anyone BUT a pope. He SOLD his office to someone for a pile of gold, and took a year off. Apparently he spent that year angling to get back in, and managed to get a second term. It ended with his excommunication.
B10: One year in the big chair (1058-1059 AD). His election involved some miscounted votes in Florida and accusations of election rigging in Ohio, and was ultimately forced to flee for his life.
B11: Eight months in charge (1303-1304 AD). Apparently three hundred years of letting the name "Benedict" take a break wasn't long enough; BXI died mysteriously after dinner one night.
B12: Eight years with the big honking ring (1334-1342 AD). One of the French popes, this one had a reputation for witch hunting. Of course, he called it "reforming."
B13: Six years of being called "Big Guy" (1724-1730 AD). Another reformist type, this one wasn't so bad. He mainly thought the cardinals should be a little less about fancy robes and spending money, a little more about the whole praying thing.
B14: Eighteen YEARS in charge (1740-1758 AD). This Big Benedict finally broke the curse of the short termers! Too bad he chased off many of the Indian and Chinese Catholics by being a stuffy pants about local tradition loopholes.
B15: Eight years of popish fun (1914-1922 AD). He was a pacifist who preached neutrality during WW1. He kept trying to arrange truces and prisoner exchanges. He also thought that foreign missions should train up local preachers ASAP (and get the white boys out of the local bars). People seemed to like him.
B16: New boy in town (elected 2005 AD). With a real name like Ratzinger and a nickname like "God's Rottweiler," well, "Benedict" is a step up.
B2: Two years of popehood (683-685 AD). His official title these days is "Patron Saint of Europe." A whole subcontinent! Very nice, Benedict II!
B3: Three years of being the Rock (855-858 AD). Credited with reducing the secular power over the papacy.
B4: Three years of popery (900-903 AD). After ten minutes of half-heartedly poking around the Internet, I can safely say he didn't actually do much.
B5: Less than a month of wearing the big hat (964-964 AD). Emperor Otto deposed Benedict V after less than a MONTH. How sad.
B6: Two years of Vicar of Christing (972-974 AD). Emperor Otto handpicked Benedict VI and set him up as Pope. This time, the local Romans did the deposing and killed him, to boot.
B7: Nine years as Pope (974-983 AD) - a new record! Everyone seemed to like him, and left him alone to be Pope. He returned the favor by not doing anything dramatic with other countries, other kings, or other people's wives.
B8: A whopping twelve years fishing of men (1012-1024 AD). He had some trouble getting settled at first, got run out of town a few times, but eventually settled in with a little help from a king.
B9: Twelve years, a snack break, and another year (1032-1044 AD, 1045-1046 AD). Benedict the Ninth had some major issues. A young pope (nephew to BVIII), his daddy bought him the papacy. He was apparently not a really religious type, which would be okay in pretty much anyone BUT a pope. He SOLD his office to someone for a pile of gold, and took a year off. Apparently he spent that year angling to get back in, and managed to get a second term. It ended with his excommunication.
B10: One year in the big chair (1058-1059 AD). His election involved some miscounted votes in Florida and accusations of election rigging in Ohio, and was ultimately forced to flee for his life.
B11: Eight months in charge (1303-1304 AD). Apparently three hundred years of letting the name "Benedict" take a break wasn't long enough; BXI died mysteriously after dinner one night.
B12: Eight years with the big honking ring (1334-1342 AD). One of the French popes, this one had a reputation for witch hunting. Of course, he called it "reforming."
B13: Six years of being called "Big Guy" (1724-1730 AD). Another reformist type, this one wasn't so bad. He mainly thought the cardinals should be a little less about fancy robes and spending money, a little more about the whole praying thing.
B14: Eighteen YEARS in charge (1740-1758 AD). This Big Benedict finally broke the curse of the short termers! Too bad he chased off many of the Indian and Chinese Catholics by being a stuffy pants about local tradition loopholes.
B15: Eight years of popish fun (1914-1922 AD). He was a pacifist who preached neutrality during WW1. He kept trying to arrange truces and prisoner exchanges. He also thought that foreign missions should train up local preachers ASAP (and get the white boys out of the local bars). People seemed to like him.
B16: New boy in town (elected 2005 AD). With a real name like Ratzinger and a nickname like "God's Rottweiler," well, "Benedict" is a step up.
posted by Sanya at 3:05 PM
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